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Things I wish I can say out loud to somebody— but I didn’t.

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I said it’s going to be okay; because on small scale, I’ve been there done that. And it was impossible to believe so, cause at that rate everything was a mess and anything could go wrong. But then tomorrow came, the sun was set. What was over complicated in the night started to look a bit better in the morning. And that moment I knew, when people said ‘things are going to get better’ - things were getting better.

And I said it again- things are going to get better. You will be fine. Cause in different concept; I’ve been there, and I’m here right now. I was over that and I still alive. Things will get better. But you can’t see that, can you?

You get a lot of people telling you it’s going to be okay, it’s gonna get better- but you can’t hear that. You have a lot of lights, we the people around you give you the ray of sunshine in varied colours so the road you’re travelled isn’t so dark. But you can’t see anything, can you?
Because you don’t even believe in yourself.

You believe the concept and rules world had taught you. You believe on the fear and pattern in life had given to anyone around you; blindly took that as your next fate. You forgot that things go differently on each human, that no rules are the same, and fate and verdict sometimes seems scary but it’s changeable in a way. That if you at least think about those cheesy words we tell you that you’re going to be okay- you’re going to be okay.

But you don’t even believe in yourself.

Remember the Serendipity Guy? ( #serendipityguy for backstory)

After he got back from HK and AUS, I dared myself again to ask him for a coffee talk. Yesterday, I snapchatted him a doodle that said –
"Hi Bro, one last attempt. Coffee, 2 PM, Sunday - for one hour? Circle your answer (Y/N)"
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He replied 4 AM on Sunday.
"So highschool. I circled Y. Would love to meet you."
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I slumped to the floor. There’s no looking back now. We then agreed to meet up today at 4.30 on Cafe Mangia.

Then I went. I was late cause sudden traffic. I arrived at 4.45. I was just 30 feet away from the cafe, but I stopped. I stood under the tree and boy.. there was a hard battle inside of me.

Should I show myself? Is it rude if I cancel? I’ll spend the rest of my life as an asshole if I do it tho. I hyperventilate and the panic attack.. attacked.

I know it means nothing to you, but I never meet anyone new (beside college/job-circle).
I bailed several tinder dates because I afraid to show up. I refuse 11 talk shows and speaker invitation because I don’t want to appear in public cause I am not ready (part of it). I don’t want to be seen. The other part is because I’m not comfortable with my own skin, the other part is because I feel so little, and social anxiety. And everything.

There, I said it.
It was hard for me to show my being.

Then I knew him. He’s actually the first human I want to meet, for real. He’s so intriguing, in a way I can’t explain, he caught my curiosity too much I endure the fear of showing up just to see him in real life.

And it was hard.

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Are you scared? Or are you not ready? There is a difference.
- Author Unknown.
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I took a deep breath, walked and pray to God, tell myself that this is nothing to lose, and I already made this far to just go back.

And…

There he was. Wearing a weird shade of blue shirt. Glowing. Our eyes met.

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Oh crap.
I finally understand why some people go crazy over him.

― Brian Selznick, The Invention of Hugo Cabret

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This is one timeless favourite quote for years. It changed the way I see the human being, and seeing life progression in general. I’ve been re-doodled it again and again, cause I think some people need to read it once in a while.

Like, right now.

Everyone is having their own kind of shits, to me; one of them is being discourage and feeling expired, losing purpose, and stuck- for quite a time.

To some people, in this kind of situation; the easiest way to do is corrupt your own self-belief, thinking that what you do right now is wasted cause you see nothing in returns, you’re burned out - but for what? You thought you already do the best you can, but then what? Nothing happen. You just spin in circle, not going up, probably rolling on the way down instead.

It’s like you’re digging a hole to cover another hole. There’ll be always those empty spots. And apparently the surrounding makes you think like that. You stop seeing your worth cause you felt like capped, losing your purpose, useless.

I revisit my old notebook and stumble to this timely reminder. Woe is me, I often forget.

If you think you’re useless, you probably are. At that time, or at that place. But you’re not a useless human being as a whole. Who knows now that you’re levelling, you are meant to be at another place, when your time is come. Progressing.

Like a video game, you’re done with the quests. Be it side quests or main quests, and what’s left is to move forward. Isn’t that exciting?

Damn right it is.

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A medium-length talk from myself to myself. No one can save yourself but yourself, and that’s the hardest part.

This is one of ways I chose to do.

He smiled a tiny bit and said 'Hey, what’s up?' My heart beat too fast I can’t speak. I hyperventilated then I cover my face.

He chuckled. Speechless still, I ran to the inside and order flat white, took a deep breath.

I spent the first 5 minutes like an awkward potato. Every time our eyes met, I close my eyes even tighter because what I saw that moment was too good to be true. I counted to ten, I opened my eyes again, and there he was. Sat in front of me with a smiley-grin.
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The first thing I said to him, is that he’s the first human I want to overcome my fear to. I said thank you, and I tell him why this means a lot to me more than just a meet up.
'Why did you pick me?' He asked.

I asked myself just the same.

I can go around infinite posts telling the world about him. But let’s say he’s everywhere in my area of interest. People around me know him. And he’s surrounded by /the/ people. But why, really?

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I hold my coffee cup. The latte art was a heart. What a coincidence.
'Why I pick you… is because..' I paused a bit. Every time my eyes accidentally saw his, I had this tiny explosion.
'Cause I want to overcome my fear. Well, no not only that. You though. You’re intriguing. I don’t know how to put it simply, not to sound weird but sometimes in your life, you just know a person and all of sudden you want to know everything about them, where are they come from, what’s their story? And I think that explain why.' I babbled. I tried to be as honest I can without sounds too cheesy.
'It really is hard for me. I choose the hardest battle first.' I took a deepest breath, 'And that was you. The hardest one.'
I built the nerve to look him in the eye. A beautiful pair of eyes. Oh man, so worth the shot.

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It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
- Adele
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He smiled; and that moment I know, this… This is going to be a great sunday.

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Part 03/∞
Tap #serendipityguy for backstory.
(to be cont.)

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
― Winston S. Churchill.
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When you sat down and wait for the panic attack to be over. When you actually sat down and listen. That gesture, I still thankful to this day.

Also, my favourite lines:
"I don’t know. Saruman believes that it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I have found. I’ve found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Bilbo Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid, and he gives me courage."
 Gandalf, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012).
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I don’t think you’ll ever realise how huge it is the impact, the kind of courage I never knew i needed :)
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Just realising my luck.